Following my heart , The conclusion


This is me , again writing to you

I don’t know if you care about me , I don’t even know who are you

Reading my message will you ever care

Would you hear my sad story , plain and true .


In agony I live , away from everyone

I guess I don’t deserve to be understood by anyone

And even if sometimes I find a friend or two

Searching for people To fully understand , I guess I will find No one.


My trouble is not simple , I suffer from eternal confusion

I live in a world where I think  My dreams are true , I live in illusions

And even if sometimes I achieve what I dream.

Most of the things I believe will never be true , that is a conclusion


Bipolar disorder I have , I shift between moods

Sometimes I am Invincible I can cut through wild woods

but when my mood shifts ,

I feel like nothing ,I find my face between the mud pools.


This was a poem I intended to write and complete , it was going to be a sad one , actually I have been in trouble for the past couple of days , the truth is  , it has been longer than that , every time I suffer from failure I go through this period of self denial , loss of hope and feeling that I am worthless. Specially when people hurt me . made me feel worthless .Sorry guys , it is all my mistake , I brought trouble and pain to my poor soul , it was all because I forgot this simple fact , that fact that I am different , the fact that I am unique.




Number 1 : 


Every time I am in pain , it is because I have failed  , screwed up in my interactions with people , whether  it is friendship or love

the problem :

I want certain people to love me , to care about me , I want to find love and care , whether it is romance or friendship , I forgot that me being me makes the people really suitable to play that part in my life are very very very rare like diamonds , being desperate , I go make wrong choices , perceive wrong people  to be suitable for that role in my life , and I have illusions that they fit , but because in reality those people are not suitable for me , I end up losing and in pain , not realizing it was a mistake that I gave up and chose people who are not fit for me .

the solution :

Fuck wrong people , they don’t deserve you and you don’t deserve them , You will find a suitable unique people like you , who will fit perfectly in your life , I will not let anyone in too deep again , I will deal with people normally but wait for the perfect match for me , who will come in the right place right time .


Number 2 :

I am a bipolar person , I suffer from acute mood swings ,

The problem

Being a bipolar is a problem if you have a low IQ , level , because during the energetic period , you end up burning yourself because you have too much energy and you cant make use of them , but with the characteristics you have , actually being bipolar is a gift , you are smart , even you are not that genius in math , but I am dedicated , and I can manage this energy , you want proof , ok , here are the things you accomplished during your manic periods

1- Made the decision of learning Japanese and learned hiragana / katakana in 2 days , more than 1000 kanjis in 8 months

2- Got a black belt in aikido in 1 year , trained for 8 times a week

3- Successfully realized your childhood dream of entering Microsoft , You are loved and valued there .

4-during your manic periods you attained a big deal of knowledge in the following fields ( Surveillance – Target hunting –Surviving techniques  -  Information gathering – Special Weapons and tactics – Explosives – Hacking – Search and Destroy ) all from the Internet .

5- You know how to fly an airplanes and practiced it through simulation programs.

6- You have a decent knowledge of hacking and I am realizing my dream of becoming a professional white hat hacker .

7- Started a life long project with one of the most talented people in my class ,that may shift the future of humanity .

Is being bipolar bad Moustafa , if it so , Would you replace yourself , the knowledge you attained ? I guess no , however being a bipolar also means that I suffer from lots of depression periods , where you feel worthless , just because you are alone . this is the real problem moustafa , this is what I am trying to solve now .


The solution:

Control Yourself when you are in the manic period , use a notebook to write all the crazy decisions but delay your response and reactions to them , never get yourself in any new activates unless you plan your time commitment right .

About my depression periods , I will talk to my close friends , I will never take actions during those depression periods and I will never allow them to screw my life , I will let people know of my condition , so that they will forgive my actions when I am down .


Number 3 :

The problem :

I liked a person 1 year ago , and during one of my depression periods , multiplied by a disaster at my home  and tons or wrong moves and useless actions both online and offline , I became afraid of approaching him  face to face , I became phobic from him , seeing him gives me chills , I sent him a msg from time to time but I am afraid to see or talk with him face to face , this is un-acceptable , he will not and cannot hurt me ( I made sure of the previous one having attained a black belt in aikido and preparing for my nidan : D )


The solution :

I am overcoming my fear and facing him , I like him and I will be friends with him or her ( sure it is a she  ) but anyway , I am overcoming my fear , I cant be afraid of s1 that fear …





Thank you for reading this :)

1 comment: